“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” –  Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” –  Erma Bombeck

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.” – Gene Perret

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” – Epictetus

“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” – Edgar Watson Howe 

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.” – Will Durant

“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.” – Bill Vaughan

“God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.”

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” – P. J. O’Rourke

“Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.” – Don Herold

“America is a land where men govern, but women rule.” – John Mason Brown

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” –  Charles M. Schulz

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” –  Charles Wadsworth

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin