“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” –  E. B. White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“The happier we get, the less we see.”

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.” –  Bill Watterson

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” –  Albert Einstein

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett

“Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.” – Abe Lemons

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.” – Dave Barry

“Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.” – Harry Haenigsen

“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” – Milton Berle

“When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.” – Mike Vanatta

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel