“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”

“I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.”

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.” – George Santayana

“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.” – Oscar Wilde

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Woodrow Wyatt

“The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?” – Mike Vanatta

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Oscar Wilde

“A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves