“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” – Otto von Bismarck 

“It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.” – Franz Kafka

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.” – Wendy Mass

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler

“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”

“Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.”

“I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.”

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor 

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin