“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” – Dick Cavett

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield 

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.”

“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” – Rebecca Romijn

“I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.” – Bill Murray

“People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” – Bill Murray