“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“I came from a really tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”– Rodney Dangerfield

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.” – Bill Cosby

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it.” – Masashi Kishimoto

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” – Alfred Hitchcock

“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber

“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford

“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Oscar Levant

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

“I hate women because they always know where things are.” – Voltaire

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“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist” – Gena Showalter

“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.” – Roald Dahl

“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The funniest people are the saddest ones.” – Confucius

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”  – Paul Fix

“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” – Peter Cook

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller

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“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”– George Carlin

“If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.”  – Richard D. Wolff

“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner

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Humor is a universal language

Quotes

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.” 

“Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” – James A. Garfield 

“Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.” – Beth McCollister

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.” – Polish Proverb

“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” – Henry Ford

“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” – Stanley Randall

“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”

“I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.”

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.” – Greenville Kleisser

“Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.” – Isaac Asimov

“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” – James Thurber

“Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.” – James Thurber

“Humor is a universal language.” – Joel Goodman

People are like music

Quotes

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” – Dick Cavett

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield 

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.”

“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” – Rebecca Romijn

“I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.” – Bill Murray

“People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” – Bill Murray

The cure for boredom is curiosity

Quotes

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg

“What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright

“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” 

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.” – Ray Romano

“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.” – Jim Gaffigan

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

Love is blind

Quotes

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” – Otto von Bismarck 

“It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.” – Franz Kafka

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.” – Wendy Mass

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler

“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”

“Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.”

“I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.”

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor 

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

My wife and I were happy for twenty years

Quotes

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” –  Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.”

“As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”

“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

“Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.”

“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.”

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

Friends are people who know you really well

Quotes

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn 

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.” – Sicilian Proverb

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” – Elayne Boosler

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly